One of the really thorny issues surrounding feeding a family is how to deal with unsolicited advice as a parent about what and how you feed your kids. Before I write another WORD, I need to make it clear that I don’t have all the answers to how to handle people telling you how to feed your child, whether that’s family, friends or the person at the next table in the restaurant!
All the same, having to navigate unsolicited advice is a position that a lot of us have found ourselves in and it can be hard enough trying to feed your child a balanced diet, coping with a fussy eater or finding ways to feed your family on a budget without having to handle other’s opinions on how you’re juggling it all!
Thankfully, there are some measures you can take to help. Read on for my top five tips to dealing with unsolicited advice when feeding your baby or toddler.
Talk openly with grandparents about feeding your children
I’ve written before detailing all my advice on grandparents feeding your children. The relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is such a special one and it’s important to maintain perspective all-round when it comes to your relatives feeding your children. If they offer you conflicting opinions, try to remember that food and family meals undoubtedly looked different decades ago from how they look today. Remind them of this fact, too!
If you are concerned that grandparents are feeding your child foods that you would prefer them not to eat, perhaps containing more sugar than you would otherwise feed your little one, for example, try to remember that one ice cream isn’t going to be detrimental to your child’s health in the long run. Similarly, if your parents or in-laws are anxious about the responsibility of feeding your child, remind them that one meal is only a small part of your child’s overall diet. And if any opposing opinions are really causing tension, try the other techniques that follow!
Be honest with the person giving you unsolicited advice
Honesty is the best policy, so if a friend or family member offers advice on feeding your child that you don’t agree with – and haven’t asked for – it’s fine to politely tell them you disagree. Sharing some details of *why* you feed your child the way you do can often help diffuse any tension. Do you offer fruit as part of a savoury meal because it seems to help your child try different savoury tastes, for example? If so, explain this. Are you perhaps keen to stick to veg-led weaning having read of its benefits? Tell those around you. Or maybe you’re currently finding yourself waiting for signs that your baby is ready to start weaning when others seem to think you should already have started? Whatever your current situation, discussing it honestly with those who are offering their own take on your actions can often help them understand your situation or viewpoint and better empathise.
Share information
If your child is going through a phase of fussy eating or food refusal, inform those who will be present at the meal so that they can support you and not say or do anything in front of your child that contradicts your chosen path of action. Or if you are practising baby-led weaning and coping with a lot of weaning mess right now, tell friends and family in advance so that they know what to expect and don’t wade in in real-time with unwanted opinions. And of course, if your child has a food allergy you will always need to let those at the meal know in advance. Pre-warning caregivers, friends and family about any special circumstance relating to feeding your children can avoid discussions taking place at the meal itself, keeping them on your side whilst side-stepping any unsolicited opinion or unnecessary upset for your child.
Sometimes you will eat with other families who have children who behave very differently from yours at the table. If so, it can again help to share your side of things in advance, for example: ‘We understand that Sarah eats very differently from Xander and we’d prefer it if comments about how the kids are eating were off the table for today please’. Other times you might need to ensure the focus is off your fussy eater during a meal, in which case you can share something like ‘We’ve been getting advice on Max’s eating and what we’re trying right now is to not overly focus on his food choices so we’d love it if you could help us to do that too at lunchtime’ or ‘We’re working on increasing Cami’s food intakes and it’s going well but we’re not going to worry If she doesn’t eat much at the restaurant’.
Pre-empt unwanted advice
Similarly, if you know that an individual will act a certain way, or say a certain thing, in front of your child at mealtimes, it can be better to address the behaviour head-on in advance. For example, you might explain ahead of time that there is no pressure for your child to finish everything on their plate at mealtimes or let it be known that you don’t tend to hold dessert up as a reward to your child for eating their vegetables. If friends and family know in advance how you go about mealtimes under your roof, there may be less temptation for them to raise their own opinion about it in front of you and your child during the meal itself.
Have Stock Phrases Ready Up Your Sleeve
It can be super handy to learn by rote a general phrase or two that you can quickly roll out to anyone whose opinion you don’t share on feeding your child. You don’t need to be impolite, just firm, and to ideally communicate that the topic isn’t up for further discussion! For example: ‘I can see your point of view, but that approach doesn’t work for us, though’ or ‘I appreciate your thoughts on this: thank you.’ If this isn’t enough to quash the unsolicited advice, try reinforcing the point again that you’ve understood but will agree to disagree over feeding your child, for example: ‘We understand everything you’re saying but hope you can appreciate our way of doing things too?”.
By employing a few techniques like these, you can often quickly diffuse any brewing tension, leaving you free to focus on your child, and on enjoying your meal together, without any extra undue stress all round.
If you would like more advice on feeding your family, my blog has lots more tips such as the benefits of family-style eating or the importance of mealtime environments when weaning your baby. My book How To Feed Your Family is also available to buy now.
How To Feed Your Family
Following on from her bestselling books How to Wean Your Baby and How to Feed Your Toddler, this book brings Charlotte’s trademark approach of practical support and nurturing step-by-step guidance to help you manage the juggle of family life.